So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Two words: blizzard sex
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
