The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize