I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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