Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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