Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize