I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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