just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize