i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
