I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
