my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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