I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
