Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
