Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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