Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
