I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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