The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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