Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
