I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
