Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh god it's open bar.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
