I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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