Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
