and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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