I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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