you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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