My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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