I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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