I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
