Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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