I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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