She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
