I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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