wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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