wanna go halves on a baby?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
