is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
