If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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