fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I could fuck to npr.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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