I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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