I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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