It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Boobs are out for the taking
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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