Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize