best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
