people are starting to question the shark bite story
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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