Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
