No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
