Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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