can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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