You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
