I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I had to cum in my sink.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
