well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize