I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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