After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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