i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
