The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
