Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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