My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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