I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
