My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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