is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
