i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
