i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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