We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
