Rock
Scissors
Fuck
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
