There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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