i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
