i just wanna soil my oats bro
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
